You Know You're From California When

* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

* You were born somewhere else.

* Your car has bullet-proof windows.

* Left is right and right is wrong.

* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

* You drive to your neighborhood block party.

* Your family tree contains "significant others."

* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

* More than clothes come out of the closets.

* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

* Smoking in your office is not optional.

* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

* When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

* You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

* When all highways into the state say: "no fruits."

* All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

* Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

* You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

* Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

* You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

* A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

* A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

* Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S.

* A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

* Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

* Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag

* You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

* The Terminator is your governor!

*You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

*You speak Spanish, but you’re not Mexican.

*You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

*Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

*You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don’t notice.

*You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

*If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you’re definitely driving.

*Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

*You know what “In-’N-Out” is and feel bad for the other states that don’t have any.

*You don’t stop at a STOP sign, you do a California roll.

*You’ve partied in Tijuana at least 3 times and you can’t remember at least 1 of them.

*Your have a permanent impression on the side of your head from your cell phone.

*You know that Venice is a beach

*The waitress asks if you want “carbs” in your meal.

*You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.

*You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An “818” would never date a “562” and so on…

*You call 911 and they put you on hold.

*You have a gym membership because it’s mandatory.

*The gym is packed at 3pm … on a workday.

*You think you are better than the people who live “Over the Hill.” It doesn’t matter which side of the hill your home is, you are just better than they are.

*You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald’s or a Starbucks.

*You know what “sigalert,” “PCB,” and “five” mean.

*If you drive here illegally, they’ll take away your driver’s license. If you’re an illegal alien, they want to give you one!